How A Broken Bathroom, 45 pounds and the Mega Millions Brought Me to My Senses

Like thousands of other Californians, I’ve been having some major fantasies about winning the largest ever Mega Millions jackpot on Friday.

Actually, I started visualizing my winning several weeks ago when the jackpot was still a mere $300 million. To increase my odds of winning, I even taped written affirmations on my bedroom wall declaring, “I AM A LOTTO WINNER” and then read my declaration out loud each morning and each evening. I meticulously selected my winning numbers using the birth dates of both myself and my son as well as my age and his age and whatever remaining number popped into my head. I’ve tried my hardest to send out positive vibes into the universe. I even wrote my predicted Lotto winning amount and put it under my pillow for several nights after hearing a woman swear she won the Lotto doing the same thing.

This may seem like a lot of energy and time to devote to a game expecially given the fact that I don’t normally play the lottery. In fact, I haven’t bought a lottery ticket in years.

Lotto fever? No. My reasons have little to do with the excitement in the air over the half billion prize. My reasons involve my bathroom.

My shower has been unusable for the past three years. The water doesn’t drain, there’s a leak that requires me to empty a full bowl off water every morning into the sink and several contractors have told me that one of the support beams beneath the broken shower pan is water-logged and splitting – hence the reason I have a 3-foot long, 4-inch wide gap at the base of my shower.

The least amount to repair is about $10,000. It’s an insurmountable amount of money for me to imagine saving. I am only now beginning an arduous trek from being a stay-at-home mom dependent on her husband’s income for the last 10 years to a recently divorced woman aiming to earn my own money.

After three years of emptying bowls of leaked water and feeling like a failure at my inability to take care of the problem, I found my fantasies of winning the lottery increasing along with a frenzy to find other solutions that would require only my free thoughts to make my shower again useable. Positive affirmations, prayers and winning the Mega Millions seemed my only hope.

Until today.

This morning I recalled another problem that once seemed equally insurmountable to me at the time.

Eight years ago, I was about 45 pounds overweight. Like my bathroom, I felt unusable. I felt disgusted with my inability to control my eating and to succeed on any of the countless diets. My own support beams beneath my psyche were weighed down by constant internal words of self-hatred, failure and powerlessness. Losing 45 pounds seemed insurmountable.

I fantasized about losing the weight with the same intensity that I’ve been applying to my visions of winning the Mega Millions.

I dreamt about a magic pill, diet program or weight loss drink that would permanently take away my cravings, prevent me from overeating and eradicate my appetite. I intensely envisioned obtaining instantaneous results like I those I’d seen on popular body transformational reality shows like The Swan, Extreme Makeover and Dr. 90210.

One recurring fantasy of mine was winning a coveted spot on The Swan then being locked away for three months with the best plastic surgeons, nutritionists and fitness experts. I would emerge as beautiful swan that would burst into joyous tears as I took my first look in a full length mirror at my toned, tanned and trim body for the first time.

I never did appear on The Swan and though I have a couple lottery tickets for this Friday’s drawing, I don’t foresee me being the lucky winner in this week’s Mega Million drawing.

And that is okay with me.

I realized today that once upon a time I truly believed that I would never be able to lose the extra weight that was causing me such emotional distress and physical discomfort. But I did.

I lost the weight in the same way I am going to fix my bathroom. I did it by ending my fantasies and facing reality. I did it by taking the first step -- walking to a stop sign just down the street from my house. I did it one day at a time. I got support. I stopped looking for instant fixes in diets and weight loss products. And slowly the weight came off.

Today, I opened a “bathroom repair” bank account at my local credit union to start saving the money necessary to fix the problem. I now have $50 saved. It’s my first step.

Once upon a time, losing 45 pounds seemed insurmountable but I did it.

Yesterday, saving $10,000 to repair my bathroom seemed insurmountable but, as of today, I am doing it – without pinning my hopes on the Mega Millions lottery.

In the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Diet

There’s a moment as I lead my weekly weight loss workshops in which the reactions of heavy sighs and nods of agreement among my participants has become quite predictable.

It is the moment that I grab my weight scale from the floor, fervently raise it above my head and declare that too many of us have turned this square piece of metal into our God.

“We’ve given our weight scales the role of a supreme and perfect deity,” I tell my participants. “We give them the power to determine our moods, our previous week's efforts and how we treat others -- gain a couple pounds and we're grouchy and pissy, lose a couple pounds and suddenly we're kinder to others.”

Sadly, our reverence to our scales is only surpassed by the religious fervor many of us give to whatever diet or weight loss program we are currently following or weight loss product we are ingesting or injecting.

As we continue our search for the Holy Grail of weight loss, a large majority have come to view many weight loss programs with the same devotion as the religions we entrust to guide our souls toward eternal salvation. Whether we’re counting calories, restricting our intake of carbohydrates or enrolling the aid of any one of our nation’s plethora of diet products or programs, we have become a nation riddled with angst about every crumb we put into our mouths. We look to weight loss programs and products to deliver us from this hell.

As the nation's obesity problems continue to rise, we increasingly look to the diet industry to ease our food obsessions and rid us of our sinful gluttony. We zealously follow their commandments – attending weekly meetings with other devotees, eating tasteless freeze-dried meals, whipping out our bibles of permissible foods, depriving ourselves of the foods we love or that our body desires, driving gallons of juices or even injecting ourselves with hormone shots while severely restricting out daily food intake.

“Foods are often described in moralistic terms, independent of dieting: decadent, sinful, tempting – all the words of food fundamentalism and eating morality,” writes Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch in their book, “Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works.” “Since we are a nation that worships the lean body, it easily becomes virtuous to be eating foods associated with slimness and guiltlessness.”

And while the forbidden fruit may have been the source of temptation that led to the downfall of man in the biblical story about Adam and Eve, eating an apple nowadays may just be the key to Heaven’s gate in the hopeful minds of many yo-yo dieters.

As a former yo-yo dieter, I lived nearly two decades in a state of guilt, dividing my food into “good and “bad” and labeling myself either a “saint” or a “sinner.” And our nation’s multi-billion dollar diet and food industries were the choirs in the loft of my desperate mind – singing the attributes of fat-free foods, of product dependency and of fervently counting my daily calories or points while enticing me with product labels that played on my desire to remain pious – “guilt free temptations,” “sinfully delicious” and “heavenly indulgence” to name a few.

I often allowed my scale to determine my mood, my disposition and how I related to others for the day. Like many women, I gave my scale the power to determine if I'd been “good” or “bad.” I allowed this voiceless measuring device to become the supreme ruler over my previous day’s indiscretions –giving it the power to instantaneously fill my head with verbal self-flagellation if the numbers have risen.

It was hell.

So how did I finally find salvation and freedom? I turned my back to diets. I took back the power I’d given my scale and placed my faith back into God and into myself. I learned to follow my own hunger cues and to trust in my body. It wasn’t easy. Like a cult follower, I felt brainwashed and it took time, education and patience for me to understand the falsity of the beliefs that I had placed upon diets, scales and food.

I would never have imagined eight years ago when I turned my back to the beliefs that I had followed with such religious fervor that during the next two years I would lose nearly 50 pounds without dieting, deprivation or product dependency.

And that, my friends, is a miracle.

Hungry for Less Video: STOP DIETING

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Nitty gritty truth behind my overeating

Here’s the raw truth about why I overate…

Despite loathing over the growing mounds of fat on my body and the loneliness I felt as strangers walked by me as if I was invisible, I ate those bowls of Moose Track ice-cream because I was miserable in my marriage, powerless over what I could do to improve it and ashamed that I allowed such rage to be expressed between my ex and I in front of my son.

I ate those bag of tortilla chips with the container of salsa as I watched Desperate Housewives because I was so deeply angry and blaming of everyone who I believed to have done me wrong – my father for abusing me; my mother for abandoning me; all the guys in my past who had “used” me, my ex-husband for demeaning me and my God for creating the whole damn mess.

I inhaled Cheetos, Chips A-Hoy cookies and my kids Halloween, Christmas and Easter candies, as I lay in bed drinking a few glasses of wine and reading my 127th self-help book, because I was terrified of being on my own. I knew I was hiding behind my role as a mom to avoid having to get back into the work world. I even wanted to adopt a little girl so I could give my son a sibling but also (mainly) to allow me more time to remain within the secure walls of my home. I was so deeply terrified that I would fail in anything outside of being a mom.

And so day after day, year after year, I hid behind food and found safety in the sweets, the crunchiness, the saltiness, the creaminess, the forbiddingness of it all. I hated my life but was too afraid to take a step.

This is the nitty gritty of why I overate. How about you?

Getting out of my funk

DONE! I just ran 3.42 miles. What makes this run particularly satisfying is that less than 24 hours ago I was curled up in bed feeling fearful of the future and doubtful of my abilities.

I knew the tools to get me out of my funk but I was too consumed with my fears and insecurities to use them. It happens to the best of us. It used to happen frequently in my life.

My fetal-position curl in bed lasted two hours yesterday. Several years ago, it lasted for days. Back then I was prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depressants.

Today, I allow myself to feel the fear (not easy) and continue to hang tight to my faith and my tools (even when I don't use them). Today, i started my morning by simply looking at my bedroom wall.

My wall of affirmations. The affirmations that remind me that I am enough, that I am strong. And I read my wall... albeit begrudgingly at first. My wall of affirmations is one of my most powerful tools to keep on track. It works. 3.42 miles today!! Woot!!

REALITY CHECK - NOBODY IS PERFECT

Here's the bottom line, humbling truth, reality check ...

Nobody is freakin' perfect.

If you think that fitness chick, spiritual guru, life coach, weight loss facilitator, or transformational leader is perfect, then you're wrong.

That fitness gal occassionaly smokes a couple cigarettes (or maybe several) when she's out drinking with her friends; that spiritual guru sometimes has serious doubts; that weight loss facilitator sneaks cookies from the snack cabinet and that top-rated marriage therapist sometimes "hits below the belt" when she is arguing with her spouse.

But here is the thing, all those folks are committed to a belief, a mission, a cause. So, yeah, they aren't perfect.

At the same time, when they do digress, they get up the next day and get right back on the road of their commitment, their belief, their mission. It's not about perfection.

It's about balance.

Perfectly imperfect and loving it. xoxo ~Kim

When is it ENOUGH?

I made a commitment at the start of the New Year to truly embrace and live by the words, "I am enough."

Over lunch today with my mentor, I spoke about my past obsession with my weight and wanting to see a particular number on the scale. I recalled that even when I did eventually see that number, how I still felt discontent.

WHEN IS IT EVER ENOUGH? she asks me.

In that moment, I suddenly realized that I was enough when I was 20, 40 and 50 pounds heavier. I WAS ENOUGH. I was not lacking, not deficient, not any less than I am today. I WAS enough. I AM enough. I have ALWAYS been ENOUGH.

This "A-Ha" moment was particularly significant because my mentor was guiding me to realize that, while I may have let go of my obsession over the number on the scale, the number game continues in other areas of my life and though the subject of the number is different (ie: age.. why can't it stop?; business.. will I reach enough women; etc. etc.) the obsession is the same.

Until I realize that whatever number I am obsessing over is ALWAYS enough, I will never find peace. Every day is ENOUGH. Every ounce I gain or lose or maintain is ENOUGH. The number of years I have lived and the number of fine lines around my eyes that comes with those glorious years is ENOUGH. The number of women who enroll in my course -- whether 10 or 100-- is ENOUGH. Everything as it is today, right now, IS ENOUGH because I AM ENOUGH. Wow!

Power to Change

"Never underestimate your power to change yourself. Never overestimate your power to change others." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

STOP DIETING (HFL video on YouTube)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQ4lcd7IQe4

Judging Others Can Lead to Overeating

What does your mother's "nitpickiness" or your bosses "narcissism" have to do with your overeating?

Everything. And here's the real kicker. It isn't their fault.

When we judge others we create stress within ourselves and it is that stress that leads us to the refrigerator.

What good do we get out of judging another?

"She is so lazy." "He complains too much about his ex." "She is such a kiss-ass with the boss."

I am realizing lately that judging others doesn't do anything but cause ME stress. But when I take that judgment and I apply it to myself, (ie: "I am lazy" and "I complain about my ex a lot," and "I am such a kiss-ass with others") and then find areas of my life where those judgments are true in my own actions (and they always are), I find myself calming down because the judgment is replaced with compassion, empathy and patience.

 I am increasingly realizing that my mind does not need to run rampant with its fears and with its judgments. I actually have a say in the matter. That is so cool especially because helps deter me from running to the refrigerator. ~Kim

The Art of Food Sabotage

While cleaning yesterday, I found a small plate of homemade holiday cookies, which were given to me a by my neightbor just before Christmas. I had asked my boyfriend to hide them from me (homemade cookies are near impossible for me to resist!!). Here is what I did with them yesterday when I found them... Note the two bites -- one need not deprive themselves to stick with their commitment to lose or maintain one's weight!!

Making a declaration

Making a declaration that "I am healthy and fit" might seem ABSURD to say when one is still 50 pounds overweight and barely able to walk around the block. But waiting until one is fit and healthy is NOT the point of making a declaration. When our nation wrote the Declaration of Independence were we independent? NOPE! But by declaring it WE MADE IT BE. When JFK declared in 1962 that man would walk on the moon within ten years, everyone (and their mothers) laughed. No matter. By declaring it, WE MADE IT BE. I urge you to declare that you are healthy and fit. I AM HEALTHY AND FIT. Then live with INTEGRITY in living up to your declaration. It's the first step toward living your new lifestyle. I love you guys!! Really, I do.